Lately I have been wrestling with forgiveness. Forgiving others I thought I already had forgiven. Forgiving myself for mistakes I have made.
Sometimes there are things that are easy to forgive.....
And then there are the things that aren't.
Those are the things that cut deep.
The things you replay in your head when the house is quiet.
The conversations you wish had gone differently.
The words you can't unhear.
The betrayal you never saw coming.
The apology you deserved but never received.
The situations that left you wondering how someone you loved, trusted, respected, or cared about could hurt you so deeply.
Honestly, God has been teaching me some hard lessons about forgiveness. And one of the biggest is this:
Forgiveness is easy to talk about until you're the one who has something to forgive.
It's easy to say, “Let it go and give it to God.” But...Actually doing it? Yeah well, That's different.
Because sometimes the hurt feels too big to simply put down.
Sometimes we want answers.
Sometimes we want an apology.
Sometimes we have thought we laid it down but then it hits like a mack truck out of no where.
Sometimes we want them to understand exactly what they did to us.
And sometimes, if we're being completely truthful, we want justice to look a whole lot like them hurting the way they hurt us.
But God has been teaching me something:
I cannot ask Him to heal my heart while insisting on holding onto the thing that keeps reopening the wound.
At some point, I have to release it. Not because they deserve it. Not because what happened was okay. But because I trust God with what I can no longer carry.
“Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”
— 1 Peter 5:7
First of all we have to remember, Forgiveness Doesn't Mean It Didn't Hurt Y'all.
I think sometimes we struggle to forgive because we misunderstand what forgiveness means.
Forgiveness does not mean saying: It wasn't a big deal.
It doesn't mean pretending it didn't happen.
It doesn't mean what they did was acceptable.
It doesn't mean you weren't hurt.
And it doesn't mean you have to immediately trust someone again.
Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.
Forgiveness can be given.
Trust often has to be rebuilt.
And sometimes, depending on the situation, that relationship may never look the way it once did.
You can forgive and still have healthy boundaries because distance is necessary.
You can forgive someone and decide that they no longer get the same access to your life. Because let's be real it happened and acting like it didn't is hard.
But what forgiveness IS, IS deciding you aren't going to keep living inside it.
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:32
Now Y'all, this one is gonna get you in the feels like it did me...stop waiting for the Apology.
This one is a hard pill to swallow.
Because sometimes we tell ourselves:
I'll forgive them when they apologize.
I'll let it go when they admit what they did.
I'll move forward when they finally understand how badly they hurt me.
But what happens if they never do?
What happens if the apology never comes?
What happens if they never understand?
What happens if they remember the situation completely differently?
What happens if they move on while you're still carrying what happened?
Do they get to keep your peace too?
The answer is negative ghost rider, that's a no fly zone.
Your healing cannot depend entirely on another person's willingness to acknowledge your pain. There may come a point when you have to forgive with that apology you never received.
But NEWS FLASH: It ain't for them, it's for YOU!
Because waiting for someone else to give you permission to heal gives them far too much control over what God wants to restore in you.
“Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him.”
— Mark 11:25
Sometimes forgiveness happens in a conversation.
And sometimes it happens privately between you and God.
And when it's like that, when that time comes....That's when you say....Tag Your It God, You Handle It
I think one of the hardest parts of forgiveness is giving up our need to make everything right ourselves. We as himan beings in our flesh are control freaks.
We want justice.
We want explanations.
We want people held accountable.
We want the truth acknowledged.
And when that doesn't happen, we can become consumed with trying to make it happen. But there comes a moment when God asks us to step out of His seat.
“Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.
— Romans 12:19
Those words don't mean we sit around hoping God punishes somebody.
They mean:
It isn't my job to settle the score.
I don't have to get even.
I don't have to make someone regret hurting me.
I don't have to convince everyone that I was right.
I don't have to spend my energy making sure someone receives exactly what I think they deserve. Because it be honest it's not my job to judge.
I can say:
“God, You saw it. You know the truth. You know my heart. You know theirs. I'm giving this to You.”
And then I can walk away.
There is freedom in realizing that God doesn't need my help being God.
There are hurts I've handed to God only to pick them right back up. Maybe you've done it too.
You pray about it.
You cry.
You surrender it.
You feel lighter.
Then something reminds you.
A name.
A picture.
A conversation.
A place.
A memory.
And suddenly you're arguing with someone in your head all over again.
That's when I've learned forgiveness sometimes has to happen more than once in our hearts.
Not because the first forgiveness wasn't sincere.
But because healing can take time.
Sometimes letting go looks like saying:
“God, I'm thinking about it again. I'm angry again. It hurts again. So I'm giving it back to You again.”
And maybe you do that ten times.
Maybe a hundred.
Keep laying it down.
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you.”
— Psalm 55:22
God isn't frustrated because you had to bring it back.
Bring it back.
Every single time.
Until one day you realize you haven't thought about it in a while. Until their name doesn't make your stomach turn. Until the memory doesn't have the same power. Until you can look back without feeling like you're standing inside the moment again.
That is healing.
Remember...Forgiveness Doesn't Always Mean Reconciliation
Alright Y'all...Listen up cause this is important.
Jesus calls us to forgive. But forgiveness does not mean every relationship has to return to what it was before.
Sometimes reconciliation is beautiful.
Sometimes relationships can be restored.
Sometimes apologies happen, accountability happens, behavior changes, trust is rebuilt, and God does something incredible.
Buuttttt sometimes forgiveness looks like loving someone from a distance.
Sometimes peace requires boundaries.
Sometimes you can sincerely say:
“I forgive you, but I cannot continue allowing this into my life.”
Forgiveness releases bitterness. But, Reconciliation requires participation from both people.
And wisdom still matters.
“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
— Romans 12:18
I love that Scripture says “if it is possible.”
You can do your part.
You can forgive.
You can release bitterness.
You can choose not to retaliate.
You can pray.
And then you can trust God with the rest.
Another thing to remember is.... Sometimes the person we struggle most to forgive is the woman looking back at us in the mirror.
Maybe you're angry with yourself because you stayed too long. Because you didn't see it sooner. Because you trusted someone. Because you reacted badly. Because you ignored something you now recognize clearly. Because you made choices you wouldn't make today.
And you keep thinking:
I should have known better.
And, Maybe you're right, maybe you should have.
But here's the thing....you know now.
And today's wisdom does not give you permission to continually punish yesterday's version of yourself.
You cannot go backward and rewrite what happened.
But God can redeem what happened.
“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”
— Romans 8:1
If you've repented where repentance was needed, learned what needed to be learned, and brought it before God, stop sentencing yourself for something Christ has already covered with grace.
Give yourself the same mercy you keep telling everyone else they deserve.
Don't forget to let go.
Sometimes holding onto anger feels powerful.
It feels like if we let go, they win.
If we forgive, they got away with it.
If we stop being angry, we're saying it didn't matter.
But forgiveness isn't letting them win. Forgiveness is refusing to let what they did keep winning.
Every day bitterness controls your thoughts, the hurt gets another day. Every time the past determines how you love people in the present, the wound gets another day. Every time fear from one relationship keeps you from receiving love in another, the pain gets another day.
Forgiveness says:
Enough.
What happened was real.
What happened hurt.
But what happened does not get to own the rest of my life.
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
— Romans 12:21
I'm learning that some things will never make sense.
Some questions may never be answered.
Some people may never apologize.
Some relationships may never be restored.
Some endings may never feel fair.
And I have a choice.
I can spend years demanding answers from something that has already happened.
Or I can give it to God and keep walking.
I'm choosing to walk.
Not because I suddenly don't care.
Not because it didn't hurt.
Not because I've forgotten.
But because I want peace more than I want to keep replaying the pain.
I want what God has ahead of me more than I want to stay chained to what happened behind me.
“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing.”
— Isaiah 43:18–19
Maybe God is trying to place something new in your hands.
But your hands are still wrapped tightly around something old.
The anger.
The betrayal.
The disappointment.
The unanswered question.
The apology you never received.
The version of the relationship you wish you still had.
The version of yourself you wish you could go back and change.
You don't have to carry it anymore.
Give it to God.
And when you accidentally pick it back up tomorrow?
Give it to Him again.
There is a peace that comes when you finally realize you don't have to fix everything.
You don't have to make everyone understand.
You don't have to defend yourself in every room.
You don't have to have the final word.
You don't have to know why.
You don't even have to know how God is going to use what happened.
You simply have to decide that you're no longer willing to carry something He has repeatedly asked you to give Him.
“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”
— Exodus 14:14
So I'm learning to forgive.
I'm learning to extend grace.
I'm learning to let go.
I'm learning that mercy isn't weakness.
I'm learning that boundaries don't cancel forgiveness.
I'm learning that healing doesn't require forgetting.
I'm learning that an apology isn't required for God to restore my peace.
And I'm learning that sometimes the most powerful thing I can say about someone who hurt me is simply:
“I gave it to God.”
I don't need revenge.
I don't need the last word.
I don't need to carry the anger into another season.
God saw what happened.
God knows what happened.
God knows every part of the story I understand and every part I don't.
So He can have it.
The hurt.
The anger.
The questions.
The memories.
The disappointment.
The person.
All of it.
I'm laying it at His feet.
And this time, instead of turning around to pick it back up, I'm asking Him to help me keep walking.
Because forgiveness doesn't change what happened yesterday.
It changes how much power yesterday gets to have over tomorrow.
And I refuse to let something God is asking me to release keep me from the peace He is trying to give me.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
— Philippians 4:7
Lay it down.
Give it to God.
And let Him carry what was never yours to carry forever.
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